I am home from the beach. I want to go back!! I didn't have to deal with drama. I didn't have to deal with things back home. I didn't have to deal with anything!! and I like it that way. I forgot about everyone and all of my problems and just lived my life and I can't wait to do it again. I had the most fun that I have ever had on vacation but I think that thats because I was not with some of my family. I am really thinking about moving and starting all over so I can feel like this all the time. I feel good. but sooner or later I am going to have to deal with everything at home. or do I? I can just move..make new friends and start all over. I think that I might be happier that way. no one really would miss me here anyways. all of my close friends have basically left me for other people anyways. I don't think that they would miss me. all that I need is my mother, my sister, and my dog!!! thats how I feel right now. Everyone else has abonded me for someother people and so I think that its safe to say that I can move with no hard feelings!!

this just might be goodbye. who knows?

yes finally my parents are going to get a divorce. this is a much needed change that I have been waiting on for years. I think that I might actually be happy. well I don't know maybe not. I don't know.

I am going to get my permit on Thursday. well thats if I have time and if not then I will get it on Friday morining. Also I can take drivers ED then I can get my liscence right after that. I can't wait. I will finally be able to drive!!! YES!!!

so I am a mess right now. I told my sister that I didn't want anything to do with her EVERY again. and I really think that I ment it. that is the really scarry part. because I don't say that to people. I might just get mad at them but I have never said that to anyone and I have to say that it felt good.

I am going to the beach on Friday. I can't wait. its just going to me Katie my mom and I. We are going to have soo much fun. I can't wait. I am going to get away from everyone and all of the drama that has been going on. I will get to sit on the beach and read. I don't get to do that every often but its going to happen this trip. My doctor told me that I have to wear ALOT of sunscrean or hw will kill me. and I don't know about you but I don't want to be killed be my doctor.

My mom just came home from Washington DC. I was soo jealous she got to stay with our friends Tim and Tom. They are Gay and AMAZING! I love them, they picked me out some jewerly while she was there. and they also talked to my mom about the school that David went too(he os one of their gay friends) and he graduated from there at the top of his class. He said that it was soo much fun. and then my mom came home and said don't worry about the cost. what ever you want you got it so when I graduate I think that I might be living in Washington DC and going to school there. Its one of the best schools and I am really excited to go. I think that I everything is finally turning around!!!

I don't want to be here anymore. i don't really see the point. i don't have a purpose anyways. and its not like anyone will miss me. I have been told this many of times. I am obviously causing peoblems with people so the nice thing to do would be is to leave. the only one that I can really count on is my mom and she id preoccipied dealing with all of her mess. so you see there really is no one. no one can fix this anymore. and I can't keep involving people that don't need to get mixed up in it. so I have do deal with things that I know best. I have not quite figured it out yet how i am going to deal with it I just know that I have too. I can't keep running to people so I am leaving and not comimg back. I am going to run away and not look back. I have to leave I am going to kill my self if I stay here. I just can't keep doing it. I am acting like nothing is wrong and like I am the happiest person in the world when I cry myself to sleep almost EVERY night. I don't sleep anymore because I am scared too. i have to quite acting fake. I have been unhappy for a long time now and I don't think that I will ever be happy again. sure I have some moments where i am giggly and shit like that but that is nothing but fake and no one knows it. I have not told anyone this and I can't live like this anymore. I don't even know if I want to live. I am so tired of my life. it is so stressing and i want and need something else. i can't do it anymore. so I am just going to dissappear for a little while. no one will miss me like I said. so what the heck?

ok so I work at a salon and for the most part I like it! but I want something more! but you see the thing is I can't have it! whick really makes me mad!! I can't do the stupid apprentiseship thing yet because I am not 17..so I am left being a receptionest...I don't have a problem with it I just don't want to do it anymore you know? well today I decided that since I am already tired of 2 out of 3 of my bosses that I am not going to do my apprentiseship there! if I do the Apprenticeship there it takes 2 years then I have to work at the salon for another 2 years then I can do what ever I want! but I don't know if I want to spend the next 5 years working with people that I don't like that much! Lana is the only boss that I like...so insteadof doing everything there I am going to go to school and that will only take a year and then I can work where ever the hell I want! so I told my mom this tonight and at first my mom was kinda shocked then she was like I think that I like this idea better because then you are not going to have all of that drama of working with your sister and with michelle and cynthia which are my other bosses! so she told me that since this is still what I wanted to do that she would send me to teh best school that she can so I can learn at my pace then I can be done in a year and work where I want and I can be aming six figures in about 3 years!! so this is going to be my life and I don't care what you think about it!

so tonight I thought was going to be really fun! then it turned out to be SHIT!! I am really mad this is the first time in a week that I have been at my house and my family is all together for the first time! then My step-dad was being an ass and got on my nerves really bad!! so I have been fighting with my parents tinight and I just really want to hit him because he it soo stupid!! so this is my life right now!!

I could tell you more but I don't think that I want to type the rest I am really tired adn I think that I am going to watch a movie or something I have not really decided yet!

ok so thats right its summer time and I am so EXCITED!! I don't think that anything can bring me down right now...well something will thats just how my life is and I can't do anything about it! SO I met this guy named Brad and when I first met him I thought that he was really nice and we talked and we have been on 2 dates since I met him and I like him but I think that I like him as a friend now! Lara and Mary say that I need a REAL man and not a boy..what ever that is supposed to mean! so anyways I don't know what I am going to do becuse I think that he is going to ask me out and I don't think that I want to go out with him! I don't think that I want a realtionship right now considering that its summer and I am going to be gone for a week in 2 weeks and next week he is leaving for a week! so I really don't know what to do..I think that summer realtionships are pointless because you are gone and meeting new people and shit like that..so I don't know! There is this OTHER person that I like but I know that its never going to work and I have to get over it, but I don't think that I can go out with someone righ now! I am going to be hanging around other people and so is he and we have DIFFERENT friends I go to shows and the mall and he has not been to any local shows here but he wants to and he hates that mall I just don't think that its going to work out. I really wanted someone else that could be there for me but we are two different people and we do different things...plus Lara and Mary don't think that he is good for me right now and I kinda think that they are right for once! I can't believe that I said that one but its true for once they are right. But now I have to tell him and I don't want too. That is the part that I really don't like I have to break this kids heart when he just got it broken in his last realtionship. But I can't keep draging him on...I think that I am going to tell him that we should just be friends...I don't know I have to think about it!

ok so last night was kinda fun. I went bowling with Brad and Lara and Mary went too. This is how they know that I need something more then that. well anyways it was also my dad's birthday and so my parents went out to dinner then I called them and they were at the bar then I called them again and they were at some house party and they didn't know whoes it was it was great. Then at 5 this morning I hear something really loud and I realize that it was the motorcycle and that my parents were just gettimg home! I love it they came home at 5 this moring! I gave them soo much shit about it too!! but what ever and they are going AGIAIN on the motorcycle and Lara is going to work and Monica is babysitting and I don't want to hang out with Brad right now and most other people that I know are out of town so I am going to be home all alone...its going to be great I can't wait!!!!

ok so here it is!! So Lara has done some things that I have not liked lately and it has really made me mad!! I am already mad as it is EVERYDAY it seems like now but to ass all of this I think that i am going to go insane!! Well I already know that I am insane I think I am just going to get worse. Ok so the thing is I can't talk to her friends and hers can't talk to mine but she can talk to my friends all the time and I am not allowed to get mad about it at all!! I think that its a little hypritical don't you think?? and also she invites her self where ever I go and its really making me mad! Friday I am going to a surprise birthday party for Monica's birthday and the day that I told her that I was going she was like I WANT TO GO!! and I didn't say anything well I guess she told Ali that she wasnted to go and she said that that was fine so now she is going!! I SWEAR CAN I NOT DO ANYHTING BY MY SELF!! Another thing that she did was Monica asked me if I wanted to come with her to get her nails re-done in ATL because they are only 14 dollars and I said that I would love to go!! Then she must have told Lara about it because she invited her self to go and I am sick of her ALWAYS being there!! She aso told the guy that owns the place where she works at that I wanted a job, well she told him this when I was picking up food for the family and she was working and didn't even ask me she just told him that I wanted a job. So he was like well tell her to write everything down and we will give her a call. I don't want to work with her!! I want my OWN job AWAY from her where I don't have to be around her and her telling me what to do because I know that thats what going to happen and I am not going to let that happen. Then she also did something with this guy "d" thats all I can say I can't tell you him name! Well anyways she did something that I think she should have not done well at least with him and there are soo many other guys out there and I think that she can do ALOT better than that!! But I guess if you like pot heads and that kind of shit well then they will be perfect for her!! I don't really care and all of her friends are coming to me with a whole bunch of information about her and how they have bets on what she says is true or not! So I think that I can't trust her with anything so I don't quite know what to do!!

oh and another thing that she did..but it was a long time ago and I don't think that I will ever be able to forget it, but I was invited to go to a hockey game with my uncle. Well I have NEVER been to a hockey game and she had been to ALOT. Well I told her that I was invited and at first she was ok with it asking me questions about it then she started to get mad! she would not even talk to me about anything and she just got all pissed off! well the other day i was talking to Mary and she was like ya lara said that its not fair that you got to go comsidering the fact that you don't even like Hockey and she does. She thought that she should be the one to go when it was MY uncle who invited me in the first place. She said that I didn't like hockey...well maybe I didn't like it because I had never been to a game before!! did you ever think of that one!! SMART ONE!! I can not wait for her to move out! I think that thats going to be the HAPPEST day of my life!! I have not told her all of this but I think that I am going to.

today though I made Monica a heart cake for her birthday and I was bringing it to her house because I was not about to bring it to school and she was driving me and shit well she was all mad at me because Monica's house it kinda far away from mine and I woke her up because my mom told her to drive me because she would not be home for a while..well anyways she told me something and I told her to quit telling me what the fuck to do and she got really mad at me about that and told me to NEVER ask her to drive me anywhere again! which she can not do because my mom told her to drive me and when my mom tells her to do soemthing she has to do it eventhough most of the time she does not listen! I think that I am a better kid than her!!

And another fact I am friends with her BEST friend Kayla and I don't ask to go with her when she has a birthday or something like that and I don't ask her to do things with her friends when I know that I was not invited in the first place! so I don't do it I don't understand why she has to do it! She acts like my mother and I have a mother I don't need her! I know what is write and what is wrong if I need help trust me I would not ask you! so I don't see why she has to act so much different around other people then act COMPLETELY different around me! she is 2-faced and I think that I am going to tell her all of this!! I am tired of EVERYTHING AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! she knows that I am mad at her! she imbarassed the shit out of me 2 times today!! I was in the car with one of my friends and she was yelling at me because I didn't give her MY key to get into the house when she knows that she is supposed to have her own!! then I was calling monica and her mom answered and she was yelling at me and I felt really bad about that too! Then I was like thanks for EMBARASSING the SHIT out of me and all she could say was so..I wanted to hit her if I NEVER talk to her in my entire life I don't think that I will be sad! She has this thinking that I am ALWAYS going to be right behind her and follow her no matter what and then when I gat out of school we are living together!! well that is not going to happen I will get so FREAKIN tired of her its not even fully!! I think that I really need leave my life before something else happens!! I think that something so little could put me over the edge right now and I do not like feeling like this! I wish that there was some way to change things and that my life was different but its not and all I want to do right now is to leave! I don't care how I just want to leave!!

I will write more there is still sooooooooooooooooooo much that I could write about but I am too tired so LATER!!

ok so here is the scoop. I REALLY like this guy and I have for a while and at a point he knew that I liked him. I don't know if he knows that I still like him or not? but I stopped liking him because I thought that he was seeing this other girl and there was some stuff about her that I really didn't like and I thought that he was dating her when he came to see me one time. But I just found out YESTERDAY that he was not dating her when he came to see me and him and that girl never really dated. So everything that I was mad at him for, I can't be mad about anymore because none if it is true! so now I REALLY like him again and I just don't know what to do. I have liked him ever since I have met him and everytime I see him online I want to talk to him and I did for the first time in 2 months I think. If I talk to him then I will like him even more than I already do and I can't hide my feelings anymore, but I am just so scared of getting hurt. I don't think that I can go through another emotional realtionship and I know my friends can't take it either. He has never really made a commement to anyone so I know that thats out of the question but I also can't help thinking that if.....I really don't know what to do. life is just too confusing right now and I don't want to have to deal with it right now but I know that sooner or later I am going to have to. I think that I am just going to go away for a little while and not tell anyone where I am going. Not have a cell phone, computer or anything. I just need to be buy my self and think, my life is to crazy for me to handle and I can't handle it anymore. its soo crazy that I have panic attacks now and I flip out over the stupidest things now. I am OCD now and I think that its all because if this! I am dealing with too much and I just need time alone. There is only about 2 people as of right now that I would tell all of this too and I would take them with me because I know that they need to get away from people too and need to think about things that are going on in their life. Theres is about the same as mine and just need time to think so please just let me be for a while and see how I do you never know I might meet someone else and then I will be writing about them in here. so peace for a while I just need time!

alright I think that I have come to the conclusion that god HATES me and is punishing me and I don't know why. I have been sick for the past 3 days now and it really sicks! I have been sick 5 times this year already and I hate it! I am the meanist person that you will EVER meet when I am sick! probably because I am on so much medication that I don't know what I am saying and then I say stuff that I don't really mean. I hate being sick and I wish, just wish that for like 2 months I wont get sick but will that ever happen?? NOOOO BECAUSE GOD HATES ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHY? I am not a bad person...well I don't think that I am. I try to be good and I am nice to people...well the people that I like. Most of the time I am nice to my family unless they piss me off then I am not so nice to them. I don't know what it could be? it is mind boggling on what it might be? I am going to go to bed now because I am just rambling on and on now so later!

ok so Monica is over at my house and Ali is coming over here now! Today is going to be soo much fun!

ok so today was horrible! I got a year book whichI think was pointless a 95 dollar book about your year and I don't even remember half of it! It seems like This year has taken so long and its almost over! next year I am going to be a junior and then I will be a senior and I can't wait for that! I don't think that anything special is going to come out of my junior year and I really don't think that I care! I am soo over school its not even funny, I wish that I could just be over with it already and not have to worry about it! I can't wait till college! That is going to be amazing I don't have to worry about my parents telling me what to do and having them look over my shoulder constantly! it drives me insane and I don't like it! also I can be independent and just worry about me! I can't wait till those days!!

all I have to say is that my skin hurts like a mother!!

so today at school was one of the worst days of me life! You know when you have something that REALLY hurts and that is the day that EVERYONE hurts you. For example when your foot hurst it seems like EVERYONE in the world decided to step on your foot!! Well today was one of those days! I have sun poisning as you know and it seems like everyone that could possibly run into me did to day! I have NEVER cryed so much in my life at school!! It hurts like a mother!

Ok so year books come out tomorrow and they are 95 dollars! I am getting one but I think that after I pay for it I am leaving it is a web and there is no point in coming to school! I mean I get out at 12:45 and I am only going to 6th and 7th periods tomorrow the rest of the day I am in homeroom and wondering around the halls like I normally do!!

We have been taking the EOCT's this week and they are not hard at all, but I am a little worried about the Biology one! I heard that the average on the test was 67 and that is not good. That could bring my grade down soo much and I am not doing so well in that class as it is! Another thing I studied so hard for this History test that I had and I got a 58 on it! It completely ruined my day so I am not doing all that well in my classes right now and I didn't realize how close to summer that it is! It is really scarry!! I have to pass all of my classes or I will be a sophmore again next year! I think that I would cry if I was!!!

ok so I would just like to tell EVERYONE that I have SUN POISNING!!! It is not something that you want to have TRUST ME!! It hurts like a mother!! I really hate it!! Don't even ask how I got it because it is the most red-neck think EVER!!! But I had fun!! Ok well I am really tired so I am going to go to bed!!

ok so I can't really go into detail but I can't get online right now I wil write more later!

I miss Halllie!! she is off in Mississippi with her family and some firends! I can't wait till Sunday! we are going to spend the whole day together and I can't wait!! I am so excited I haven't seen her in 2 weeks and I want to hang out with her again! I didn't get to see her on my birthday and I didn't get to see her before she left and I didn't get to go to the show that I really wanted to go to!!

I didn't get to go to the Death Cab concert I was really mad! I really wanted to see them but oh well! my parents said that I could not go because there was no parent going and they didn't feel comfterbale with me going! I thought that it was lame but what ever! they will be coming back and
I am going to go to that show no matter what! Panic! at the disco are also coming and I can't wait to see them! They are also my favortie! I LOVE THEM!!

ok so I know that there is a lot to write but I am at work with my mother and she has locked her computer at home so I can't use it so I will just have to update later I have ALOT to write and I can't wait to tell all that is going on!

so Wednesday I went to Little five points with Alice, Lara, and Kayla!! It was amazing Ihad soo much fun and we are going to do it again really soon! Then we went to underground ATL! That was tons of fun more info coming soon.

Yesterday I went fishing AGAIN for the second time this week! I caught a trout. Lets just say that I am never going trout fishing AGAIN!! I do not like the fish and they squrim too much!! I DO NOT LIKE IT!! NOT AT ALL

Today I am working with my mom. Its fun I went to go and eat at chow baby! I love that place!! The food is AMAZONG!! I LOVE IT!! so Ihave to get back to work...more info later!

ok so first of all yesterday night was the worst day of my life! I would just like to point this out. ok so yesterday was fine till my parents got home, they went into their room and there was some yelling so I didn't think much of it at first. I thought that they were discussing something that had happened and they seem to yell about everything. so they were in their room talkin for about 30min or so. Then my mom comes out and asks me if I am going to go with her to get something to eat. I was hungry and I knew that she would tell me what was going on in the car so James could not know that she told me..you know the usual thing! Well we get in the car and my mom starts crying, I didn't know what to do! so I was trying to talk to her I was asking her what happened and what was going on and she wouldn't tell me! I thought the worst had happened and I didn't know what it was! so finally when she calmed down she ask me if she was a bad mom? I did't know what she was talkin about so I was like No you are not a bad mom why would you say that?? Then she asked me if she was that horrible and mean that we had to go behind her back and do shit that she dosn't know about then we not tell her then? At that point I had no idea what she was talkin about so I was like ok what is all of this about?? So she told me some stuff that my sister had done that was probably going to cause my parents to get a divorce! Just to let you know I HATE MY STEP DAD!! So I thought that this was good but I hate it when my mom is sad so I told her that she could tell me what was going on, and so she did! She caught my sister in some BIG lies and when she got home from work my parents started talkin to her about it! Well talkin led to yelling then my dad was all in her face and he slapped her and then tryed to choke her but when I told him to stop he looked at me and was like I am holding on to her shirt it ok! Well today she has a bruise on her neck from where he grabed her! I think that the whole situation was not handled well if you ask me!! So as of today Lara and James are going to move out and my parents are getting a divorce! I know that my mom loves him and all but he blamed everyting that happened last night on my mom and she did nothing! I don't see how its my moms fault so they are going to get a divorce but do you know how many times that they have said that? like a million!! But once again its going to be my mom, Katie, and I! It used to my mom and I but now there is Katie and thats ok now I have someone that will be there.....

ok so I haven't used this in like forever!! I have totally forgotten about it till recently then I had to remember my username and my pasword! that was difficult trying all of my usernames that I didn't even remember that I had!! ok so Hallie is in Mississippi till Sunday and I wont be able to see her till then! I have dedicated that day to NO ONE but Hallie!! I like this livejournal because none of my friends and my sister have it but Hallie and that is good because she knows everything about me and sometimes I just with that I could just write and not have anyone judge me about it! I have to be carefull about what I say in my xanga because some peoples parents read what I write and I don't like it!! my sister judges me about what I write then goes asking me a WHOLE bunch of questions! I hate it and I write something then I have to take it all back! my cousin reads my xanga and then tells my parents about it then Krystina my es-next door neighbor reads it and if I say ANYTHING that ofends her then she will go and tell my parents!! so this is why I am glad that I have this!! I can write what I want about who I want and they will never know because no one knows that I have this and I think that I would like to keep it that way!! so I will be writing in this ALOT if I can remeber what my username and password are....lol